I had a long speech prepared. I'd planned on babbling on and on. But why bother. No one has ever bothered to try to step into my shoes. They'd rather accuse me of being a drunk (which is true) and of having affairs (which is not true).
No one tries to see the real me. They don't know what it's like to not have a life they cannot control. You're all used to being able to decide whether or not to have an open door policy for friends, or for your kids' friends. You're all used to being able to go where you want, when you want. Maybe you choose not to.... but it's still your choice.
I don't have a choice. I can't go where I want, when I want. I can't allow friends to visit whenever they need. My kids can't allow friends over whenever they way. Our lives are dictated on how he feels. everything is dictated on how he feels. And there is only one escape....
Friday, December 30, 2016
For the past several years, I've always made a New Year's Eve post (or, a still dark and way too early New Year's Day post). This post is always lessons I've learned during the year... some silly, some stupid, some serious. This year, I have decided to start this post a few days early (it's late at night on the 27th as I start this), but still will wait to post (I think) until the 31st.
So why start early? Well, to be honest, I generally start prepping for this post a few weeks before New Year's Eve (as I have this time). And sometimes start writing it a bit early. But this particular day, and the encompassing theme of lessons, holds a special place to me and therefore I really had to start it now.
You see... last year on this day (much earlier in the day), I was admitted to a psych ward on a mandatory 72 hour hold. 24 hour later, I was informed that this hold could actually last up to two weeks. This would mean that I would not get to spend New Year's Eve with my family. I would not get to participate in the traditions I had started several years ago. A) I would not be able to make my annual "lessons learned" post - something I oddly hold dear. But more importantly, B) I would not be dancing in the kitchen with my daughters, C) I would not be kissing my husband at midnight, and D) I would not be making snow angels with my family right after the calendar switched to the next year.
So yes, today in particular, this post means so very much to me. In addition to the reasons above, this post is going to hold a particular theme. Most of my "Lessons learned" posts do have a theme (one year it was based on me injuring myself, one was on bad crap happening, etc).
This year, the focus is on changing relationships. My psych hold last year made me realize my depression was aimed at changing relationships, and made me start to change one particular relationship - the one with myself. So, that's the other reason I'm starting this early.
Onto the lessons learned in 2016....
1) It was SO wonderful to be able to ring in the new year making snow angels with my children, and with a great friend of ours. We have never included friends (that I recall?) in our snow angel deal, but it was wonderful and I hope we can do it again.
2) NEVER ever ever ever ever tell your boss that you were in a psych ward for depression/suicide. You'll find yourself "let go" for stupid ass reasons in a heartbeat.
3) No matter how long you've been married, bad things/feelings can and do happen which can lead to divorce if you let them (or if they're needed). But when you really love someone (and the marriage is worth saving) you can get through anything and come out stronger for it.
4) If you truly love someone (spouse, significant other, friend, child, parent, whatever) - don't let anger and pride stand in your way. Special relationships are so hard to find. Find a way to forgive and move forward.
5) Dressing up little boys as little girls is still so much fun. I did this to brothers, and sons, and now sons of friends :D (Yes yes, I'm weird :/ )
6) NEVER EVER EVER get between a hungry teenager and her food.... and this message goes out to even those stubborn tin cans that refuse to open...
7) A weekend with no children... especially a Jacuzzi suite with the spouse... can be so relaxing and needed... even if a lot of it is spent watching "Sex Sent Me to the ER" :p
8) Spending quality time with great friends is something to make sure you make time for - whether that time is working on picture frames, playing pool, working on your home, or whatever. Truly great friends are hard to come by. Make time with them as often as you can.
9) Watching a younger version of yourself go off to her last prom, then watching her graduate, then watching her slowly move out... and knowing there is nothing you can do to stop her from growing up and going her own way... hurts like hell. But also makes you smile big and think "watch out world... here's another me!"
10) Spending time with my new God-children is so much fun - whether we're singing/dancing in the living room, or spending time painting my office wall, or just getting hugs and listening to them babble about their day - I love every moment.
11) Having your father wrap his arms around you for the first time in a long time makes everything right again. Having him say he's proud of you... having him listen to you... just having him in your life... makes everything right again. (or, at least it does for this girl who used to always be a daddy's girl)
12) There is something incredibly peaceful and wonderful about spending time with yourself... especially when that time is spent in front of a fire, or drifting off to sleep beside that fire, or in a tent (as long as it isn't a 60mph night that pushes the entire side of the tent on top of you :/ )
13) Even more peaceful is waking up in that tent early in the morning, starting a fire, and enjoying a cup of coffee (and morning prayer) by yourself.
14) I miss camping out. Growing up, we used to do that all the time. Doing so in your own back yard with good friends and family is a pretty damn good substitute. And it just looks super cool to have a bunch of tents set up in your yard :p
15) Tattoos don't hurt nearly as much as I expected. And it's even better when you do it as a group, and when it's for a very special reason. Here's to two of my brothers, and to myself (in the format of the semicolon movement)...
16) When you hang out with crazy people, crazy things happen. This includes, but is not limited to: contests on who can stay on the floating shark the longest, water fights in the house, pies/cakes/whipped cream in the face/clothes/home floor/church floor, skinny dipping, water balloon fights with colored water, and so many other things.
17) Having to carry your just-turned-16 year old daughter out of a softball dugout.... having to wait impatiently for the results of x-rays and MRI's... having to wait impatiently for her to get out of knee surgery... all suck. But what sucks even more is going into that recovery room and hearing that kid who rarely cries or shows pain nearly screaming and hyperventilating because she's in so much pain, and knowing there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
18) Having friends move away is always difficult. But if that friendship is strong and worthwhile, it will remain. And can still grow stronger despite the distance. Love isn't measured in physical distance. It can travel light years and through time.
19) Sometimes, there are no explanations as to why relationships go the way they do. They just do. Hearts and souls have the reins, and all we can do is hold on for the ride.
1) I have the absolute best family.
- I have two sisters (and families) and a dad who went well out of their way to make sure my children could have a good Christmas.
- I have unofficial sisters/brothers who have made so many trips with me to hospitals, clinics, etc to take care of my family (and me)
- I have family who've had to make that difficult phone call when I've been suicidal/depressed.
- I have family who've stood beside me and forgiven me when I've been a complete bitch and completely gone off the deep end.
- I have children who've always been here for me, their dad, their siblings, their friends, and even strangers just because someone was in need.
- I have a husband whom has put up with a lot of emotional break downs from me - whether depression/suicide based, or catatonic-causing anxiety based, or simply bitch based. And he still stands by me.
- I have family who've dropped everything to fix our sewer or our frozen sewer vent or clear our driveway or come help with medical emergencies or even just a simple lack of milk. (and the list could go on forever)
I really could go on forever on this topic. To put it simply - I am blessed. And this past year has truly shown just how blessed I am. This year has tested some of those relationships, and made me feel guilty as all hell that I can't be half the person they are to me. I love you guys dearly.
1) Grill outs and swimming parties with friends and family is still one of the best ways to spend a summer night.
2) I should never be allowed to have pets. I lost a couple turtles, a snake, and a baby bird :(
3) Late night ER trips kinda suck. Especially when it seems you and the spouse are competing for who can be carted off the most in the ambulance.
4) Medina truly has the absolute best ambulance crew. (And, I think, have us just programmed into some form of auto-drive by now :/ )
5) Mother Nature can be a truly destructive bitch sometimes... but I am so thankful that most of the damage in this town hasn't harmed people or toooo many actual homes/property.
6) Staying up until the wee hours of the morning watching a town landmark unexpectedly burn to the ground is... insane. It's sad, and anxiety-causing, and just one of those "holy shit" moments that can never be explained.
NOT SO HONORABLE MENTION though still a huge lesson this year:
1) It still amazes me how vindictive and petty and spiteful and jealous some people can be. They will tear down a person's reputation just because they don't like the person. They will try to rip apart families because they don't understand what a close family is. They will try to rip apart friendships because they've never had the privilege of knowing what a true friend is. They'll talk garbage to anyone who will listen. They'll hate and spread lies because of their own insecurities. They'll even take it to the extent of hurting little children just to somehow make themselves feel better and "worthy".
2) I still pray for them, even though I often don't feel they deserve it. I am still polite and even friendly to them, and I still don't talk crap about them... not because there isn't crap to say, but because a) I'm not like that, and b) they aren't worth it.
3) They won't win. If this year has taught me anything, it's what true love really is. My relationships are relationships God has given me and God knows I need in my life. You can't break that.
There really has been a lot of changed/changing relationships this year. My husband and I have had our relationship tested. My friends and I have had ours tested. Children have moved away. My mother-in-law has moved away. Friendships have evolved. My father has come back into my life. It's really been an insanely crazy year when it comes to relationships. But I have learned that there are some relationships that nothing can break. Not even by me.
God bless each of you this year. May you all find love that is unconditional... love that cannot be broken, even when it gets shaken a bit.
I wrote the following poem a month before my wedding.... it was what was on our unity candle... and as I look back on this year, it's something that truly fits my marriage.... as well as other relationships worth holding onto...
I watch in horror
As the candle flickers
For it was my last match
That lit this flame.
Yet as the light again
Shines steady and bright
I know the candle is
Too large to melt
And the wick is
Too strong to break.
I understand that sometimes
The flame will waver,
Yet the candle will never die;
But rather, burn forever.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
A little over 4 and a half years ago, I was Charlie from this story. At least, I was when it came to being a part of a church. In a way. I was "drugged" so to speak. Before the moment spoken about in the links to come, I did claim to be Christian, but it was in the Spiritual but not Religious sense. The weekend spoken about in the following links changed that...
Reflections and Surprises (pt 1)
Reflections and Surprises (pt 2)
Suddenly, I did want to be a part of a Christian community. I wanted a church family. But as I first started entering the church world, I was still fighting it. I immediately saw things I didn't like...
Dear Pastors (clarified)
But I still tried. For 4 years I tried. For 4 years I did believe. Even though I heard rumors here and there, I still believed. I believed that the Church was the answer. It was where I was meant to be. It was a place of support. It was a place of love and comfort.
In the past month, I have been like Charlie - the treatment has worn out. It's disappeared. And like him, I'm back to how I was, but with the memory of how it was.
All those lies that have been spoken in the past several years are still there. All the slander that has happened in the past several years is still there. But 4.5 years ago, I never truly appreciated it for the evil it was. Now, it's still there. And I feel it. Every bit of it.
A couple weeks ago, I realized this and realized the potential damage it could cause. So I quit teaching Sunday School.I gave up the children I love so dearly so protect both them and my own family.
A few days ago, I realized that wasn't enough. I ended up in a severe panic attack that left me unresponsive, not breathing, and requiring an ambulance.
I gave up the rest of my church stuff. And was approached by a church member who was upset that I gave up cleaning the church. She didn't care that I gave up the rest... but, in her words.... "There are a lot of people who don't bother coming to church, but still do their responsibility."
Like Charlie, I have suddenly realized that I am not worthy. Yes, there have been a few to chime in recently. But most have always held the belief that I do not belong in the church. And while I was blinded by some notion that I do belong... those blinders have come off.
“I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone.”
― Daniel Keyes,
For the past 4.5 years (and probably longer)... while I thought I was being a desired part of this church, I have found out that I was the cause of one pastor leaving; I am a drunk; I dance slutty; I have had affairs; I have somehow coerced pastors/leaders into doing my bidding; I have inappropriate relationships with others; wives hate me; I am unworthy; I should not be part of this church.
I do feel alone.
Especially when the truth is that yes, I am unworthy. I can't financially support my family. I try but fail at taking care of my disabled husband (whom, by the way, is wheel chair bound, and passes out/has seizures on a daily basis). I can't buy my children Christmas presents this year. I can't even afford to pay my mortgage that is 2 months overdue. I couldn't even afford a thanksgiving dinner this year, and my family will be lucky if they get a dinner of hot dogs of mac & cheese for Christmas. I have had to miss work because of my emotional state. I can't enter my church without crying. I have lost what few friends I have because my responsibilities are my family first. I am on the brink of a complete emotional break down.
“Its easy to make frends if you let pepul laff at you.”
― Daniel Keyes,
To answer the question posed in "Flowers for Algernon" - it is much worse to become what you've always wanted to be, and feel alone. And yet I still don't know if I could throw that all away to know what I am and be happy.
I do seriously thank those very few who've reached out to me. I do wish I could be what you want. But until there is a drastic change... I cannot be and will not be. There are some very beautiful and wonderful people there. But until people are willing to stand up and say that this is wrong - until they're willing to realize they are chasing so many people away from God... until people have the courage to go after the lost sheep without badmouthing those lost sheep....that place is not God's house. And I need God's house.
“The path I choose through the maze makes me what I am. I am not only a thing, but also a way of being--one of many ways--and knowing the paths I have followed and the ones left to take will help me understand what I am becoming.”
― Daniel Keyes,
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
I've been told to be silent. I've been told there is a time and place to voice my thoughts. But as I learned today (and most days in the past couple weeks).... that time and place is apparently behind others' backs. I'm not like that. I don't play that game. I refuse to play that game. So, I am not playing it... instead, I'm being me...
I called a friend to cover for me at work today because I had a horrible headache that I couldn't get rid of. As I told her, I could have made it through the day if I needed to. But, she was kind enough to come in and cover for me. My plan was to just go home and sleep the headache away. Instead, I found out that rumors about me have been going on for a lot longer than I'd thought, and involved more people than I had thought.
I left my workplace with a heavy heart, fighting back tears. Instead of going straight home, I went to the church - the place I have been going to find peace and comfort for the past 4 years. No peace or comfort was found. I was crying by the time I got home. I cried as my husband held me. I cried as i told him what was hurting me so much. And he said something that will stick with me for a long time...
He told me I didn't do anything wrong. He told me none of this is my fault. But what hit me harder... he told me that I stand up for the people with no voice. I give them a voice. And he told me I can't stop being that person. And what hit me the hardest... "your brothers are supporting you. They don't want you to stop being that voice."
Tomorrow marks the 16th anniversary of my eldest brother's death. Brandon was always my best friend. He was the one person I could always confide in. He never judged me. He never betrayed me. He never hid anything from me. He was more than just a brother. He was a part of my soul. He still is.
When he first became part of my family, he and I had to share a bed. He was 2... I was 8. And from that moment on, we were glued to each other. We played legos and match box cars together. As he got older, we invented our own game which eventually we started writing as a novel... Solar Stars. While we did let the other kids play too, it was a game that belonged to us. We were rebels... victims... heroes. He was Mercury and I was Venus. We were trying to defeat a tyrant. And we always succeeded. At least, in our game play.
I was the one he turned to when he was crushed that his girlfriend wanted to be a ballerina and he wanted to be a farmer - those too professions couldn't work together (he was 5, she was 4). I was the one he protected whenever anyone tried to hurt me. He was only 10 when he stood up to my 18 or 19 year old date and told him "if you hurt her, you'll have to deal with me." And went on to tell the guy there would be no kissing or anything else.
And I stood up for him as well. I stood between him and abuse. I tried to protect him just as he had always protected me. That is what family does. That is what it means to be a brother or sister.
Even after I left home, he would sneak messages to me. When I did get a chance to visit him, he met me outside with a hug, and when I had to leave, he held on wishing time would just stand still for a bit. And I held on with the same wish. That's the last time I saw or heard from him.
6 years later... Thanksgiving morning... I got the phone call. Brandon was gone. He died that morning. I had failed him. I should have fought. He deserved that. He wouldn't have stopped fighting for me. He never stopped. He and I fought against tyrants. We fought against those who put down those less fortunate. He and I gave what we could to homeless and those less fortunate. He gave everything he had. And he kept giving. And he never got anything back.
My husband was right. I can't quit. I can't stop being that voice. You want to hate me for speaking out - hate me. You want to hate me and spread lies about me just because I'm willing to stand up for those who can't stand - bring it on. You want to drag my name through the mud... accuse me of this, that or the other.... you better be prepared for the results. I may be as small as a 10 year old standing up to a 18 year old, but I won't back down. I am standing up for Brandon... I am standing up for my brother. I am standing up for all of those who've been kicked down repeatedly. I am standing up for those whose voice you try to take away.
You won this one battle - I gave up the Sunday School kids I love dearly. I gave up the church I once believed in. But you cannot and will not win this war. Strip me of all I have... I will still have my family. And I will still have the support of my brothers. And I will still have God on my side.
You have just your own vindictive and slanderous lips.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
I know I have written a few posts regarding this subject, so I do apologize if I repeat myself, but I feel a very strong need to write about this topic once again...
First, for those who don't know, allow me to explain the concept of Spiritual but not Religious. These are the people who do believe in God, or at least in a higher power, but do not believe in organized religion. In my 42 years (yes, I just admitted my real age) I have spent at least half that time as one who did not participate in organized religion, and a bit more than that as one who did not believe in it... or at least, has realized that organized religion is not a requirement, and can indeed be a hindrance to true spirituality.
Now, before you start throwing stones, allow me to explain...
In my 42 years and 4 churches, I have witnessed the following (note: these are not all things that happened to me specifically, but are definitely things I have witnessed)....
Girls from age 2 (maybe younger) to 10 (at least) were knowingly being sexually molested by a member of the church, and the church members didn't just ignore it - they specifically told the families to ignore it and not report such abuse. Those who did cause waves were chased out of the church and eventually the community.
Children (ages birth to teen) were being beaten to the point of bruises, breaks, bleeding, unconsciousness, etc by their parents, to the knowledge of church members and the pastor. Children who came to the pastor or other leaders with this information were told to honor their parents.
Families - some active, some not as much - were criticized and made to feel unwelcome by church leaders/members because those families could not contribute much financially.
Children (ages 6-10) were caught drinking alcohol in a park by church members. Instead of seeking help, these members chose to gossip about the worthlessness of the parents.
Young ladies turned to church members about their desire to cut or harm themselves. Instead of seeking help, these members chose to slander these young women. When some of these young ladies ended up pregnant out of wedlock because of their search for someone to care/listen, they were pushed out of the church because of the gossip and slander.
Young men who were trying to take care of their family after the death or injury of their father were criticized because they weren't doing well enough, or were told their father is worthless.
Women were being beaten and raped by their spouse, to the knowledge of church members/leaders, and were given no support or care. Instead, they were gossiped about and slandered.
Friendships were made that were needed and healthy, especially because of many of the above scenarios, but church members chose to slander those God-centered relationships and spread lies of sexual relations and adultery.
Dead men and women, and their families, were spoken ill of because they had a funeral at a church of which they weren't active members, or weren't members of at all.
I could go on for days about the mistreatment I have witnessed within the church. But I'll stop here. I think I made my point.
For those who didn't get the point........
Many churches are like this. They either turn a blind eye or they gossip and slander.
Please... tell me how organized religion - how the supposed Church/House of God - is better than being spiritual?
The Church is supposed to be a place not just to worship. And definitely not a place we show up to on Sundays so we can get into heaven. It's supposed to be a safe place. It's supposed to be a place of comfort, support, and love. It's supposed to be a place of love - the love of Christ. A place of forgiveness. A place we can go where we know we're forgiven children of God.
Instead, it is often a place of bigotry. It's a place where we point fingers at the poor, saying they don't contribute enough and don't belong. It's a place where we shake our heads at having a funeral for someone who wasn't a member (or an active member), saying they don't deserve our time be given to them, and that they don't deserve to be given a proper funeral. It's a place where instead of helping an abused or molested child, we make judgements against their family. It's a place where we ignore the depression and abuse another person faces, and instead say that person or family isn't worth our time. It's a place where we'd rather condemn good friendships because we don't understand the importance of those than embrace and imitate such relationships.
The Church has become a place where love is lost. It's now a place where Christ is lost.
Yes, I attend a Lutheran Church. Three of the four churches I have ever been a member of have been Lutheran churches. That does not make me a Lutheran. And it does not make me proud to be a Lutheran, or a part of any church. I'm ashamed of it actually. I'm ashamed of what the church has been for me and those I know. I'm ashamed that there is no true spirituality within the church. There is no community. There is definitely no love. There is no Christ.
So yes, I am spiritual but not religious. Because THAT is what it means to follow Christ. It is not about following religious traditions. It IS about showing Christ's love and forgiveness and acceptance. And if I, or anyone I know, is going to be persecuted by anyone for that, the persecutor might want to actually tend their own soul.